Evil new year: Turn your Champagne into a DEADLY weapon!!!!

DEADLY cork 2

We’ve had some complaints lately about Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories not being sufficiently evil. (Too many projects that are “safe” and “legal.” Blah blah blah.)

Today we’re going to fix that by helping you to turn your New Year’s Champagne into a DEADLY weapon!!!!

(Just in case you were wondering: Yes, four exclamation marks are required.)

Champagne box

First, you need a (full, unopened) champagne bottle. If you’re under 21 and in the US, you may need to get an (evil) adult to help you out with this step.

Note: No self-respecting evil mad scientist would attempt to make a DEADLY (!!!!) weapon out of cheap champagne, so please use the good stuff. If your target is some uber-goody-goody like James Bond, you might not get close enough if you use anything less than Dom (from a good year).

Champagne bottle

The Champagne has a foil wrapper outside of a metal cage that holds the cork in place. Carefully remove these without disturbing the cork. If you shook up the bottle so that the cork came out in this step, drink the contents and start over.

Drilled Cork

Drill several small holes in the cork. This will facilitate adding the pointy parts. In this cork, I’ve put in seven holes of various sizes.


Add a selection of pointy sewing needles of various sizes.

They will hold pretty well if the holes are the correct sizes, but if you like, you can superglue them into place.

DEADLY cork 2

Your DEADLY New Year’s Champagne cork is now constructed!!!! (“Have fun, kids!”)

If that’s not sufficiently evil, just repeat these four simple words:
Trans fats are yummy!

5 thoughts on “Evil new year: Turn your Champagne into a DEADLY weapon!!!!

  1. My cat White Fang and I were using ems as our home page. that may change. i dont think he reads but he obviously saw these project chanpagne pictures: today [new years day] he got on a high shelf and through various annoying means convinced me he couldnt get down. i reached up and retrieved the little menace but he had grabbed something too. i didnt i know i had a bottle of champagne up there, but White Fang had grabbed it and done his evil mad worst. CRASH!!!! [yes four exclamation points are necessary] as the glass bomb nqarrowly missed my head…
    then the sounds of pointy slivers skittering all over the florr and bouncing point up on the dog’s bed..
    The useless dog and I gaped in silence.
    ….at last the only sound was lots and lots of wet wet fizzzzzing.
    being an olympic level blamer, naturally i blame your website and its evilmadscientific fans for turning my sweet young innocent white cat into a terrifying evilmadscientist.
    so congratulations to you and to those demanding more evil! drink up while you can.
    thanks to instructions from this site I know what to do next. i am soldering rare earth magnets, batteries and blinky leds onto his collar and hurling this cat [and dog!] at the evilmadscientist company car.
    mwahahahaha etc.
    is this too untraditional to be considered a throwee?
    Mrs J ROSSR, Berkeley

    1. It’s me again with the EVILMADcat. ive just thrown both beast throwees at/onto your personal hovercraft.
      Very satisfying!!!!
      {yes I needed all 4 exclamation points}
      Ready for my next project, i got online but your BUY STUFF isnt working.
      o sure blame my 1992 webbrowser…
      damn you evil mad scientists!!!!
      what are, a bunch of cats?
      Ms J ROSSR

      1. White Fang the evilmadcat and thedog just crawled back in covered in your tiretracks, their lights still blinking. due to the rare earth magnets they stuck to my fridge which was already festooned with tiny candybox fridge magnets.
        blaming You, i freed the cat [he seemed to think the dog matched the fridge]
        then White Fang walked across my keyboard and connected me to the transfat link that goes with this cork plot.

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